Savannah

2nd time in TWO DAYS that one of my family's pets has drawn blood on me.

YESTERDAY I got to see JUST HOW HARD a fat chihuahua can bite when you get him too excited while playing. x________x OW! It wasn't too bad once the initial pain stopped and faded into that nice aching that some injuries have. I like that kind of post pain... lol poor spike was so guilty he was sulking after that for like an hour c.c;

BUT TODAY. I was picking Rusty up so she wouldn't knock my sisters tapes all over and she accidently clawed me in the face with her hind leg >_____________< UM if my eye hadn't been closed she would have actually gotten my eyeball... luckily it was closed so I just have this nice GASH a bit over my eye, over the eyelid, and down my cheek. Put on disinfectant and now its STINGY BURNING LKSJDFLKDJSF OW!!!!!!!!

And she defenitely doesn't feel guilty. I don't think she even knows she did it. BUT THEN she's a cat. -_- AH WELL she's still the most beautiful cat ever. ; ;

but still.

OW!!!

which is surprising, considering the ground was almost bare and it was really starting to feel like spring...

Oh well! I certainly don't mind a while more of snow ^^ I'm ready for spring, for light and warmth and green, but I love snow so much that it was nice to see another heavy fall... *le sigh*

I'm STILL struggling depression wise, but I think that spring break will do me WORLDS of good as far as that goes... STRESS RELIEF THANK YOU GOD *dies*

Hopefully the snow isn't too bad that Mallin and I won't be able to drive back today... I WANNA GO HOME! *flail*

Somebody is commisioning me for $50 O_O but I'm giving all that to mallin because I still owe him for some things I bought using his pay pal account e.e; and this is just a rather convenient way to pay him back all at once...

*sigh* I wish more people were commissioning me. -_- I set really pretty low prices in hopes that would inspire more people to commission me but only like... ONE person has... speaking of which I still need to mail out that completed pic x___x;

I guess I don't have much more to say at the moment. This was a rather pointless entry x.x

I can't wait to see my dogs ;o;

My dad just called to say good morning and check up on how I was feeling ; ;

I've been... really depressed lately. This weekend was pretty intense emotionally because the damn I had been using to sort of... lock up my emotions aside from being a little slow and meloncholy broke. I cried SO FUCKING MUCH this weekend and I still have a head ache and need to fully hydrate myself...

ugh. BUT my sister was amazing in her play. I can't stress to you guys how amazing my sister is. She is growing into a wonderful woman, she's really going to be something great... I love her so much...

As far as my depression goes I am beginning to drag myself out. Its hard, but I'm doing it... oh and thats been the reason that I've been kind of quiet recently, for anyone who may have noticed.

I can't thank mallin enough for his patience and forgiveness this weekend... particularily yesterday... not to mention his love and support... and my parents, my dad and my mom, for being patient and loving and supportive as well. And LeeLee. Writing to her last night helped open me up a little more, which was a big step for me to talk to someone about all this outside my family. Thank you babydoll.

*sigh* My dad reminded me that some people take longer to learn things like social skills, confidence, and self worth than other people. It does come, however, and it will come for me too, just like it did him. I know I'm always going to be quiet, like my dad, but I know that he is able to approach people when he wants to, and is able to handle himself socially. That gives me faith. I'm so much like my dad... I'm proud of that...

My mom was really good this weekend too... which always is nice, especially since lately she's been EXTREMELY stressed (dear god I don't blame her. Overworked at school and still working part time with my dad. Cripes...) and its made her... edgy... but this weekend she was wonderful, which was good, because I really needed her patience...

I'm lucky... I have a good life, I have a lot to be happy about. Thats what my dad told me on the phone, he told me to try to think about that, think about the good things I have, think about the things I have to be happy about, and be happy about them. *smiles* I know that these other things will come with time, especially if I don't give up, especially if I keep going.

This weekend, god and the week before my depression was getting pretty fucking bad. It was like having my finger on the trigger to do so many horrible things to myself. Throwing up when I eat for example and I was all to tempted by the thought of drinking, both of those things and how seriously the thoughts crossed my mind, of giving up and giving in to hurting myself... god it scared me... but... even then... I had too much pulling back to give up... I have a loving, supportive family. I have a WONDERFUL lover... and I have a few friends that have shown me what real love and friendship is... I can't let myself give up because of that... and because of what I tell Liisa... of what I tell the people I love when they are down... don't give up... if I tell them to give up what would it be saying if I did? There was just too much holding me back, but god, I was tired, I was worn down, I was really fucking low. Crying helped, talking to my family helped. Yesterday was just nuts but after it was all done I was fine. Today I'm feeling... better. My eyes burn still and I'm going to be seeking liquid all day but I'm feeling a little lighter and a little more able to keep going.

Babble. I couldn't write anything about this yesterday. I tried but I couldn't. Its hard for me to open up sometimes. Really hard, especially about things like this, for some reason it takes me a while to be able to really open up and talk about it when I'm hurting. Took me breaking into tears with mallin to start getting it out this weekend. I guess I haven't really said whats been getting ot me, although I hinted at it in what my dad told me... anyway... writing about it to leelee last night, and opening up to her helped me prepare to open up further. *sigh* So here I am, writing this.

What exactly am I depressed about? Its more just depressed in general, falling into my own chains and feeling them all too painfully, feeling them binding me, realizing how much they really deny me, how much they really hurt... if that at all makes sense.

I get tired of being afraid of people. of being unable to approach people I am interested in, people I would like to know. I'm tired of being near unable to make friends. I'm tired of not being very good at keeping them. I'm tired of locking up when people approach me, of locking up so badly that only after a long akward hesitation can i blurt out some fumbled and stupid reply...

I'm tired of feeling like there is a wall between me and the rest of the world, a world I watch through a window. Lately I've been drawing my blinds and just peeking through, more closed up than usual. I wish it were easier to open that window and crawl through.

I know I'm always going to be quiet. I said that already. All I want is to not be so afraid. It will come, and I'll keep working for it. I really will. I just... god its been building recently and I've been keeping it all in. This weekend I broke and it all came out. I'm sure I'm going to be dealing with the shards for a while but at least I had that explosion, at least I was able to cry and talk a lot of it out.

Life is full of ups and downs, like a road going over an endless series of hills.

I hope I'm headed uphill now...

I love you.

SO Laura and I have been planning this little outing for about 2 weeks! Finally, we went out and DID IT.

We drove 45 minutes to Alexandria to buy Beta fish. ^^ We didn't tell Travis or Mike what we were doing. X3 They knew we were GOING of course, we just didn't state our MISSION.

The pet store, I'm sorry to say, was HORRIBLE. These poor fish were in tiny plastic cups and drinking glasses filled with HORRIBLE water and not much of it at that. The prices in this place were way to high, and the selection was horrible. The bigger animals like the cats and the dogs seemed fine, but there were adult rats int he back crammed into dirty overcrowded cages. There were babies upfront with the other rodents in cages that were a little better but ugh. In addition to being dirty and neglectful, the guy working there was SUCH a fucking asshole! First off, he didn't listen so he started ringing up Laura and I together. When we asked to be rung up seperately, he asked if we could just do it together since "we should have told him". ... WE HAD but we agreed. I just wrote a check and laura would pay me back for her half. THEN he overcharged us, HELLA. I'm not sure where he got most of it but I know he charged me three fucking bucks for the drinking glass my fish was in. WTF I thought he would move it to an easier to carry container but we just had to be careful with them the whole drive back. GOD he was such a fucking asshole...

anyway then we went and got chinese food to eat when we got back. I got some for mallin too of course.

MY FISH! Once I saw this one, I couldn't have left with any other fish. He's blueish purple accept in front he's sort of white fading back into the blue. He doesn't look all that healthy, but laura is sure he'll bounce back and I'm pretty sure too, but even if not at least I gave him a better home for the rest of his life, however long ne? If he does get healthier, I'm sure he is going to be even more lovely.

Mallin helped me name him. Mandelin ^_^ I've never had a betta, I had a couple goldfish when I was little but thats it. I'm excited, its nice to have a pet around here ^___^

I killed my wrist today x_x

I've been obsessive about inking with ball points lately. I'm just getting a better effect with them than microns at least for the moment. Part of it is that they don't BLEED on my sketch paper like microns do, cleaner line, although I'm sure I'd love microns again if I did something on better paper... um babble.

ANYWAY. Yesterday I inked a few things, the two mentionable things are a Hobbit color page for Kat to give to the kids she works with I guess for the play morris will be doing in the spring? *shrug?* Kat is a girl I've had in a couple of my classes. She is REALLY nice and easy to get along with and feel comfortable around. i really like her. She's a bit too cheerful for mallin lol. ANYWAY. She just asked me out of the blue if I could do this for her, if I wanted to and if I had time. She asked REALLY nicely and with no expectations, and hell, I just like her, so I sketched something in class of Gandalf and Bilbo. Turned out nicely, and I obsessively inked it after that till it was finished. It turned out REALLY nicely. *_* I love Gandalf. I'm not nuts about the books and the movies are alright but I really like that DAMN wizard. lol

NEXT later that night I did one of my frequent attempts at capturing mallin. Apparently, this time, I did it. *_* Mallin seriously FREAKED. Even more so after I inked it. I plan on giving it an ink wash because I liked the effect it had in the other mallin picture I did recently, but first I'm going ot scan the line art in case I slip up. Either way. YAY. Victory for Aya. ^_^

After doing such a perfect mallin, I've been obsessing over Aya today. After three fully inked pictures, I have something I really like. The first two will never be see their way into my computer, but the one I'm happy with will be scanned and later I think I'll attack it with some watercolor.

But yeah. My wrist is SO sore now. Seriously. I've never hurt myself drawing like this, well not hurt but seriously worn out I guess? OW fuck OW! Worth it of course but I have to go to drawing class yet today! I'll just do light sketches I suppose and not get into anything too intense for my poor little wrist... no more inking until my wrist feels better... because OW.

I've inked a lot of things in a row in the past without any trouble... huh... it might be because I'm using ball points and I tend to press REALLY hard for line variation. I love the effect but I guess it takes its toll. x_x

Either way, YAY art I'm happy with! Off to scan stuff...

ugh I don't feel so good -_- stomach feels weird and body feels odd and tingly in a bad way.

I don't think i ate very well yesterday, so that could very well be it... I'm going to have to try and get some food into me soon before class... I won't have another chance until this afternoon... if nothing else I'll get some soda. I can handle soda and that at least has some sugar and calories... can't go on nothing you know? x_x

anyway, hopefully that will get better soon. Today is a relatively long day. Ugh. But tonight hopefully I'll get more time with mallin and he'll have time to read to me again... I'm such a baby but I love it when he reads to me... my dad used to read to my sister and I every night before bed. *sigh* I loved it... we would sit on either side of him and lean on his shoulders or brush his hair while he read another chapter or maybe a few in whatever we were reading, usually redwall books. He was so great, he even acted out all the accents and different voices of the characters. For some reason remembering this is making my heart ache and tears come to my eyes... its a really fond memory for me. I love my dad so much. I'm glad I decided to start hunting again, I'll be able to share that with him again...

Anyway, Mallin does a lot of the same. I get to lean on his shoulder and he reads for me, acting out all the different voices and reading the story beautifully. I love it. With mallin there are some things about my childhood I'll never have to loose. *sighs*

ugh I hate feeling sick. I always get so lonely and sad in addition to feeling shitty. -_- I really miss big kitty in times like these... I wish I was home in bed, my parents calling every so often to check on me... bringing me glasses of 7-up and touching my head and face gently and lovingly and telling me to get some sleep, or bringing me movies to watch... but mallin takes good care of me too... he'll stay right by me reading and bring me anything I need, kneel down by my bed and hold my hand and smile at me and stroke my face gently...

*gentle sigh* I love mallin and I love my family. I can't wait to see them this weekend... and I can't wait to see mallin after class today..

I was really sensitive and down yesterday. This morning I just don't feel good, but I think otherwise I'm OK. Hope so. OK. I need to get dressed and ready for classes so I can go try to eat something...

wish me luck <3

If you say Gullable is written on the ceiling, I'm going to look up.

I'm always in my own little world and horribly out of tune with this one. I never know whats going on. I'm slow to pick up on jokes and sarcasm. I'm way too trusting.

I know I'm being too sensitive but all the same I'm left feeling REALLY fucking embarrassed and stupid. I don't read things carefully enough. I don't even THINK to look at it as hey, maybe this isn't serious. Ugh. I'll be alright, just feeling the way I always do when my own tendency to have my head in the clouds smacks me in the face.

Huff.

updated DA.

I changed some history things about some of my characters. I took out the whole old world element and made supernatural things more subtle. Exploring situations that fascinate me further and etc. I'm much happier with all this now ;o; I'll talk more in depth about it later. The most effected characters are Miette, Rain, Torrin, Donovan. The characters themselves haven't changed much, just WHAT they are and where they come from has. I like it much better now. ;o; all still have supernatural things about them, but its much more subtle and YES aya loves it now *___*

I thank arphalia for the inspiration. Our character babble finally inspired me to make changes to make my RP characters and their histories something I'm much prouder of and much happier with more importantly. ^___^ WE defenitely need to do that more often...

I almost lost the little slip of paper in LeeLee's locket today ;o; but mallin helped me find it. I forgot to take it off when we went to work out... it fell off while I was on one of the machines. But mallin found it so all is well ^_^

Still in a wonderful mood. My body is worn out and feeling good from exercising. Mallin made me pizza hot dish and we are going to rent movies and yey. Much happiness ^_^

<3

God I haven't felt this good in a while... after posting that post yesterday I was SUPER happy for the rest of the night! XD I spent a long time RPing with Ebby and talking about possible RPs with Arphalia, which was wonderful *_* VERY WONDERFUL *rolls*

THEN

I had mallin pick me up, and I mushed all over him about how much he helped me get my better outlook, then that in addition to my SUPER HAPPY HYPER MOOD OF DOOM he got all happy and hyper and mrrrr you guys he has the most beautiful smile *_* anyway I took him to subway and got him a sandwich then we went home and watched THE MOST EXTREME on animal planet while we ate sandwiches, orange pop, and WAFER COOKIES X3 THEN we just had a really great night.

This morning I woke up in a wonderful mood too... and I got my childish wonder back! Haven't had it in a while, but its when everything around me seems amazing in some way... its hard to describe but its really wonderful...

AND NOW I CAUGHT ARPHALIA ONLINE and apparently I'm rubbing off my HYPER HAPPY DOOM off on her X3 SO YAY

NOW back to smothering arphalia ^___^

Mallin will never cease to amaze me with how much he helps me. In a way that helps ME help ME... he calms me down, he shows me that things that I was seeing as uncrossable mountains are nothing but small bumps in the road.

I know many people don't know what I'm talking about, and thats OK. Those that do, I want to let you know how I stand at the moment.

I'm a kid. I'm growing up, I'm learning, I'm figuring things out bit by bit. Part of that is screwing up. Part of that is making mistakes. But I can't dwell on them. I need to realize I did wrong, I need to apologise and do what I can to make up for it, and then remember it. Learn from it.

I've been driving myself into a deep whole trying to figure out who I am. I need to remember that I am still figuring that out, that its not expected that I know exactly who I am right now. I don't need to be able to define myself or know exactly who I am. I just need to relax and LIVE, learn, change, grow.

Thank you to those who have been patient with me and helpful through this. You know who you are <3 I love you and appreciate everything you do for me and that you stick with me, even when doing so is hard. Thank you so much.

So here I am, looking at my mistakes, taking a deep breath, doing my best to apologise and make up with those I need to, and learn. Learn and live on.

For some reason all this makes me think of subtractive sculpture and the way my art history teacher talked about it, about the artists thinking about the figure already being in the stone, it was just a matter of carving away the excess material. I remember the slides we saw of unfinished sculpture, figures still half submerged in stone.

I'm still carving away, removing all that extra to uncover myself. Its not something that can be done quickly, nor should it be expected to be so fast. I'll be revealed bit by bit, piece by piece. And right now, I feel alright with that.

I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not in bad ways, not in bad ways at all. I was productive in more than one way today and I'm very happy about that...

Been stiff and sore all day, working my ass off on this sculpture didn't help, but its DONE and so is the relief and so is the collage, although I still need to put chicken wire on the collage x.x I'll have to do that either tonight or tomorrow morning... anyway its a series for my 3-D design class ^_^ It was a real learning experience and very gratifying, although not all of it was fun to make, I got in hella art mode and worked my little butt off.

The collage is titled "Holocaust", the relief is titled "Apocolypse" and the last one, the sculpture is titled "Hope"

I'm not going to explain them beyond that right now. I'll take pictures and post them and talk about them later. ^_^ I'm excited for the critique tomorrow, to hear what people see in them and think about them.

*yawns* ugh OK I'm going to laze around here until the boys are finished RPing (I didn't tonight, too much to do and too weary when I was done) and then I will love on Mallin and have him take me to my dorm and transport my art...

THEN

I have to write a paper and COLLAPSE into bed.

Tomorrow I have 2 packages waiting for me in the mail. *WIGGLE*

I'm back. Or at least I'm working on it...

I am not going to be around for a while. I don't know how long, but probably a long time. This is by choice. I will not be checking LJ, GJ, DJ, DA, Yerf, OR ANYTHING other than my email. I will not be on AIM. I will go onling to get reference pictures for my art, but other than that and email, NO INTERNET.

Why?

Because I'm addicted. I am on the computer -WAY- too fucking much, I have been for fucking YEARS. Instead of actually doing things I should be doing, things I want to do, I sit there thinking about it while mostly waisting time in front of the computer and never actually doing it... Its made me neglect things I really -should- be doing. Its consumed far to much of my time and life. Its made me neglect the friends that I have -here-. I hope Anna will forgive me when I email her...

Does this mean I am now neglecting all of you? No, it doesn't, and please don't look at it that way. This is something I need to do and I don't expect it to be easy. I've let the computer consume and dominate my time and life for years. My parents tried to pull me away but this was one of those things I really had to see for myself. Well I do now. And I'm going to do something about it.

I'm going to have so much more time. I'm going to spend the time on my homework and studies that I -should- be spending on it. I'm going to start doing what I want to do with my art. I'm going to spend more time outside, more time doing things. More time -reading-. More time writing and working on projects -long- neglected. I'm going to spend more time with my friends.

But I don't want to loose touch with the friends I've made here. Not at all. I love you guys, I really, really do and I hope you can understand why I have to do this for myself.

I'm doing what I need to do so that I'm doing what I really want to do with my life.

I want to keep in touch with you. Please, email me OK?

shatter_snow@yahoo.com

And don't forget the telephone and snail mail. There's always that too. :3

I hope you guys understand.

*many hearts*

PS- EBBY! DEAR GOD I MISS YOU WOMAN! EMAIL ME!!! ;_____;

OK, I'm going to start over with this and hope that I do a better job of saying what I want to say.

The focus of my art has shifted, thats all. Its not that big a deal.

Now the bigger thing I need to say pertaining to Arphalia...

Its time to give her the credit she so deserves from me.

She is, as I said, the whole reason I started focusing on furry art. She inspired me. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be like the characters she drew. I wanted to have that grace, that depth, that absolute beauty throughout. I wanted my art to have that too. And when I started drawing furry, I drew like Arphalia. I drew like Arphalia for a long time. Even when I branched her influence remained, but for a long time, I was just trying to draw Arph style.

Arphalia was, and still is, my hero. And like anyone who has a hero, I for a time, really tried to be like her. Not to be her, and I'm sorry for putting it that way before because that isn't what I meant. But to be like her.

Arphalia still is my hero. She always will be. I look up to her more than I can say. Although now I am becoming my own, she still inspires me personally and artistically.

So for all of you who adore my furry work, adore my style...

www.spankedassassin.com <--- AYA'S HERO AND INSPIRATION

deleted my last three journal entries...

its not that big a deal. Whatever. People can figure it out for themselves...

and some of the things I said caused some... confusion. -_- I would rather they don't cause anymore...

no registration for Aya today. *frown* Oh well. I've done all I can.

I'm going to enjoy my halloween dammit! XD

This day has been less than great so far. UGH. Lets hope tonight decides to make up for it >:(

ugh. I was supposed to register at 10. I fucking can't because there is a hold on my registration. I did meet with my counselor though... alsdkjfalsd last week! Now I can't find her, she's not in her office... ugh. I emailed her but I don't know how much good that will do...

I really hope my classes don't fill up, if they do, I am truly FUCKED.

alskjfaldksf

OH WELL no fucking way am I going to let it ruin my halloween. ;_;

WELL I'm OK now ^.^ Groggy because I just woke up, but not sick :D :D :D

TIME TO DRESS UP AND BE SEXY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :D :D :D

ugh I have to register for classes in like... 15 minutes. I hope I've done everything I'm supposed to. *WORRY* x_X